I hold many secrets.

My husband is a pastor, and thus, we often come alongside men and women in the church who are enduring private suffering. We are also asked to help in situations where sin has brought destruction into lives.

As a pastor’s wife, God has both standards and skills that He calls me to in His Word on how to handle sensitive information. A skillset that an effective pastor’s wife must implement is being able to walk alongside her husband, hold his burdens in ministry, and not fall into despair over suffering or bitterness over sin in the church. At the same time, the Lord is extremely clear in His standard for pastor’s wives – they “are to be worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything” (1 Timothy 3:11).

“Worthy of Respect”

The standard: I need to be cautious and intentional in handling my influence of leadership in the church.

The skill: Humility. One could argue that humility is a trait, not a skill, but the emphasis on humility enables a pastor’s wife to view her role in the church family as a stewardship that is meant to not glorify her husband or herself, but Christ alone. I cannot assume that just because I’m not in front on Sunday mornings that my choices don’t have a ripple effect in the church.

I have seen, in both positive and negative ways, the influence I can have on others. To give a non-ministry example, when our family was growing quickly there was a season of life where it was very helpful to have a mother’s helper in our home a couple of times a week. I noticed a pattern amongst the various college-aged ladies that graciously helped me: if I was impatient with my kids, they were prone to be impatient with them too. There were a few times I would notice the tone of how some would respond to my children and soberly realize, wow – they are unconsciously mimicking how I’m talking to my own children. I’m the mother, I’m the example to our guests of how the kids are supposed to be treated. And when I fail, even in minor ways, it can easily influence others who look to me for guidance.

The passage about the humility of Christ that convicts me most is Mark 10:45 – “For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Jesus had every right to come to earth to be served, but instead, came to serve others by laying down His life. He is my example in ministry. I am not to use my role as a pastor’s wife for attention or power; trying to live up to a stereotype or an expectation is crushing the moment reality reveals I can’t live up to the image I project. This role is meant to serve others.

When this is our mindset, we will use our hospitality, our social media, our friendships with other women in the church, etc. in ways that keep in mind the reality that I represent much more than myself. We can also accept criticism of our husbands or ourselves as opportunities of growth. When I learn of information that troubles my spirit, I need to hold it in my hands before God, humbly asking Him for help, soberly acknowledging that how I respond could affect or even hurt others. We are servants of the Lord.

And when we fail, we don’t have to live in shame or condemnation, but instead we can live in the reality of justification – our sins were imputed onto Christ and we are counted as righteous. Living worthy of respect means I need to continually be listening to the convictions of the Holy Spirit and lean on Him for how to steward this role wisely as I seek to love God and love others. Keeping her eyes on Christ’s example will allow the pastor’s wife to understand how to humbly use her role to the glory of God.

“Not Malicious Talkers”

The standard: I may not slander or gossip.

The skill: I believe that in the church, most often, gossip in the mouth is the outpouring of bitterness in the heart. Bitterness is a low-grade unrighteous anger, a slow boil of poison within the soul. Hebrews 12:15 says that this sin “cause[s] trouble and defile[s] many.” Bitterness cannot be contained in a Tupperware container in our hearts and it very quickly leads to gossip. Shockingly quick.

This kind of anger is tempting when I see perceived injustice. For pastor’s wives, if they don’t have an action step they can take in the resolution of the situation, bitterness can often creep in. However, in such situations they do not have a correct view of their role. It doesn’t please God to stew in anger. Instead, we need to bring our concerns to Himself in prayer and receive the cleansing rain that comes by entrusting the church to the Good Shepherd. Oftentimes when I witness the mess caused by sin, a lot of the background tracks playing in my head throughout my day are me analyzing the situation repeatedly. That’s just me leaning on my own understanding. Instead, the more we see the effects of others’ sin, the more we should pray.

“Notice, we never pray for folks we gossip about, and we never gossip about the folk for whom we pray! For prayer is a great deterrent.” -Leonard Ravenhill

“Temperate”

The standard: God calls me to self-control in my emotions and responses to the exposure of sin and suffering.

The skill: I have to be constantly growing in the skill of being level-headed and sober, not reactionary but intentional to love others (namely, my family).

There have been more times than I can count where I get angry over what someone says to my husband or about my husband. In order to effectively shoulder the weight of ministry alongside him, the Lord has to remind me to focus my responses on what is helpful to him and to then, in turn, lean on the Lord as I process my own heart. Oftentimes this looks like entrusting the situation to God’s sovereign care or, in some cases, lament. There have been times where my husband will warn me before sharing, “I’m about to serve you raw chicken.” What this means for us is that I need to be aware that he hasn’t processed it yet, and that reminds me to not pounce on areas where I see him not thinking through something in the best way. By putting my own emotional response of the specific circumstances aside for a minute and focusing on helping him leads to more peace for us.

It can be tempting to allow idols to steal worship away from Christ within ministry. An example of a possible idol for a pastor’s wife is that she wants her husband to be praised (approval of man). She knows how hard he labors. But when this idol of fear of man sits on the throne of her heart, at the moments her husband doesn’t receive approval from church members or leadership, she can respond sinfully in her heart and in private conversations in her home or friendships.

There are times when the burdens of pastors are exceptionally heavy and dark. If the wife isn’t actively shedding idolatry in her life she will fall apart any time the husband experiences a crisis in the church. She will not be able to help her husband respond well when he shares his burdens with her and will be, as Scripture bluntly puts it, worthless in that moment.

“They worshiped worthless idols, so they became worthless themselves.” -2 Kings 17:15

“Trustworthy”

The standard: I need to be dependable for those who are entrusting me with their private sin and suffering, and I cannot waver in my pursuit of Christ when I see it.

The skill: I have to critically assess my heart daily to “strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up, looking to Jesus” (Hebrews 12:1b-2a).

A pastor’s wife often holds many secrets. It is a burden that God asks of her as she serves her husband as he serves the church. Lord, forgive me for how I have failed in this and help me to better steward this role to Your glory!