February 3, 2010 was the day I hit rock bottom in life. I was an addict.

I had been in therapy for almost a decade and nothing was working. I was swinging back and forth between anorexia and bulimia, and when chaos would peak then I would drown myself in alcohol and pills. And believe it or not, I was a Christian. I kept trying to leave this life and obey God but my eating disorders had such a tight grasp around my heart and mind, a true spiritual noose around my neck. I was so deep in an abyss of sin that I couldn’t even see the light anymore. But this self-destructive lifestyle was more bearable than the thoughts in my head that I was trying to drown out, a better alternative than being present with reality.

Where was God? I felt like He was calling to me but I was so deep in the sea and so out of breath that I couldn’t reach Him. As a last ditch effort, I checked myself into a faith-based residential treatment center far away from family and friends: Vision of Hope in Lafayette, IN. I didn’t have any hope that it would actually work, but anything had to be better than this.

After being forced to go to psychologists and psychiatrists and being put on all sorts of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills, at the time that glorified Him the most, God broke through my sin and grabbed me out of the abyss. My eyes finally started seeing the beauty of Jesus Christ, the beauty of the gospel, the beauty of grace — and over time this allowed a hatred of sin to begin as I stared with a thirsty soul at the beautiful Christ. I needed a LOT of help, and for me I could not have done it without biblical counselors literally with me all day every day.

Doulos

Often when someone says they are an addict, they are referring to highly addictive substance abuse. In this case, I am referring to my eating disorders as a soul addiction. It was not a disorder, I was not born with it, it wasn’t something I was damned to be controlled by for the rest of my life. I made very bad decisions on how to handle anxiety and depression and it led me down a dark road that I deeply regret. It was serious, I couldn’t get out on my own, and it was necessary for me to be in residential treatment for almost two years (with a big relapse in the middle of that time). I was seriously stuck.

I was addicted to my sin.

Romans 6 is one of my favorite chapters in the Bible. For someone experiencing a sinful addiction, Romans 6-8 is extremely convicting, challenging, and full of hope. In Romans 6, we see a theme of slavery to sin.

^“15 What then? Are we to sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means! ¹⁶ Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? ¹⁷ But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, ¹⁸ and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness. ¹⁹ I am speaking in human terms, because of your natural limitations. For just as you once presented your members as slaves to impurity and to lawlessness leading to more lawlessness, so now present your members as slaves to righteousness leading to sanctification.”
Romans 6:15-19

The Greek word for slavery in this passage, doulos, indicates a person who has no freedom to do what he/she wishes. I find that the term “slavery,” for most Americans, does not hold an experiential weight. The evil sin of slavery has, thankfully, been abolished. However, I think that the idea of “addiction” hits home a lot harder for the majority of Americans. We are all affected in some way by the epidemic of addiction, and here where I live in the Midwest we commonly see the devastating effects of heroin. As I read Romans 6, in addition to its accurate, historical meaning of a slave; I also tend to relate a doulos in this passage as a modern day addict.

“Addicts themselves feel like everything is fine and under control, but they are starting to do things just because the idolatrous object tells them to. They leave good friends and spend time with those whose affections are devoted to the idolized substance. They start spending money they don’t really have. They are thinking about the idol more often. Everything is fine, they think, but they don’t see clearly enough to judge. Things are getting darker. It’s as if you were outside at dusk, trying to see the moment it gets dark. The process is imperceptible. The eyes adjust, and suddenly it is black.”
-Dr. Ed Welch, Addictions: A Banquet in the Grave 

In Romans 6 we see a few things:

1. We are all spiritual addicts. We all worship something.
2. If a person is unsaved, their options of addiction are either moralism (unrighteousness) or outward behavioral sin (again, unrighteousness). Without Christ, we have no choice but to be enslaved to either of these, or both. Read the parable of the prodigal son to see the difference between the internal and external sinful lifestyles (older son — sin of moralism, younger son — outward behavioral sin).
3. If a person is saved, their options of addiction are as listed above, but with an added option: righteousness. They can be a slave to legalism (“Christian moralism”), outward behavioral sin, or righteousness. In other words, instead of being addicted to something, you can be addicted to Someone.

Hi, my name is Alexandra. I am a Jesus addict.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, self-harm, addictions/substance abuse, or unplanned pregnancy and need help like I did, I urge you to check out Vision of Hope as an option or find a biblical counselor in your area.

I am a wife and mama who leads a messy life. I sin, I ugly cry, I always seem to have one room in my house that humbles me greatly, I have to ask forgiveness from my husband and kids daily. Please do not for a second look at this blog and view me as someone who has a perfect life. I don’t… and that’s why I need Jesus.

I’m the world’s most okayest wife and mom. I’m a recovering addict who is now addicted to Jesus. My prayer is that this blog points you to Yahweh: the only One worthy of esteem, admiration, and worship.

xo,
Alexandra